I'm at Woods downtown reading, thinking, writing. Where did it begin, where does it end. Tiny moments. All of them are just tiny. Those times when everything around me spins and spins until I realize where I am and what's going on. These are the times I laugh at myself. Who am I trying to prove whatever it is I am trying to prove to? That person no longer exists. Those people no longer exists. It is not a competition. It is not a fight to hang on. I am surrounded by people who love me more than I have ever been loved in my life. So why is it so difficult to shift my mind towards that? It's just those tiny moments that cling to that mindset. The mindset of not letting go. Regardless of what it is. Embrace fear. Embrace change. Embrace the future. This constant circle of trying to control what happens when and if I can make it. Why would I not? I have never failed. I want days of inspecting every detail of a chair. Every detail of an old wooden wall, of a door frame. Letting go a year ago was not letting go. It was fake. It was a beautiful front I put out that they believed and never again questioned as I slowly, silently, spun out of control. Screaming in a silent room where nobody could hear me. Saying help in my head over and over staring at those I loved. This is not today. This is not necessary. I have a family. A support system. I have people that see me. Some days I feel like I haven't seen me in years. Which again, I know is not true. This is a moment. A tiny moment. And the best part is that it will pass. And I will still have everyone I love around me. With me.
Thank you to them. Thank you to the help. Thank you for not judging. Thank you for not demanding explanations. Thank you for looking me in the eye. Thank you for the selflessnes. All I could ever want and hope for is to be as selfless, as giving, and as loving as everyone I have encountered.
I want to be someone that anyone can go to for help and know I will be there. I would be there.
Autumn, Sarah, Abby, Zoe, Val, Charlie. You are all my family.
And my single true love. My person who I never have to explain to. My support. Travis <3
Okay. God. That was weepy. I am so gay.
Muah.
