?

Tonight was one of the worst nights of my life. Are there people really like that? I didn't think there were...shows you how naive i was. How can someone do that....

i have never felt like that. I cried the whole way home. I love Brett, i can't thank him enough for coming to get me. I don't know what i would have done if no one would have got me. I feel dirty. Used. Just. Awful. People are pigs. People are cruel, selfish, just unbelieveable.
I'm just thankful i'm home right now. If this is what it's going to be like, well then, this is a big wake up call. I never thought i would have to...defend myself like that. I just never thought it would come up. I feel sick

Thursday

I know everything. People don't change, they just get older. Live and learn.





Moving on, the week is practically over and it feels like it hasn't even started! Love it! Yesterday was spontaneous and great. Brought Mike to campus, saw a billion people, played golf, went to fucking Sadigis, hung out with Nick, had drinks at the Copper Hog, which is a must to go eat at. Good day :)

Just got home. I like walking home :) It was so nice this morning. I could get used to that.

Tuesday Thoughts

Nobody's girl :) I like how that sounds :)
Again, with the blushing...


7 hours spent in Parks lab
5 hours spent in the rec lobby
Finishing 34 pages for my senior thesis
Priceless

It is done. And so long. I feel so free. I have been giddy all day. I found myself smiling like a fool all day at work tonight. I hopped around, ran a little, brought people fudge apples :) It was just...a pretty okay day.

Plus, it was gorgeous out, which always makes everything better.
Plus, i have plans. I like plans. Several of them. Which also make me giddy.

I feel...detached. It's a good feeling.
I am in love with my friends. I am in love with these people around me. They amaze me. Truly.

Tomorrow is packed with class with fabulous people, coffee with Kina, then probably a late night adventure, one can only hope ;)

Toodaloo


P.S.
I have blushed so much recently, people tell me there is something different about me. The compliments have been....so unusual :)

Monday Monday Monday

That's what they usually yell in those car commericals or something of that sort. Today i spent 7 hours in the lab, all i have left is my discussion section, turn it in Wednesday, fix it, present next week, then capstone can kiss my ass. Smooth sailing after that.

I was thinking about a few things people have said to me over the past few weeks. One was, i am a step closer to stumbing upon someone who really loves me and the other was, i am kinda a pimp. That one always makes me smile ;)

Tonight was my first Monday in, mainly because i got to bed at 5 am, but i realized tonight how much i really don't like being here. I can only arrange the furniture so much. Maybe i'll do that again tomorrow...

Plans for Wednesday make me excited. Plans with a lot of people coming up actually. A lot of people i haven't seen for a long time. Catching up and whatnot. Stepping out of my comfort zone, I GUESS.

I just want to go to Rumors :) I love them all.

3 months until i move. It's surreal. It's going to come so fast and i know i will get so scared, that's why my parents are forcing me to, which will be great. Started apartment searching, little bit more expensive than here, yet not quite New York priced ;)

It's going to be...a trip that's for sure. A new life. A new start. A new me. Actually, the real me because i won't be prohibited with everything around me. Gah. I have butterflies. Until then, i will spend as little time thinking of the past as possible, avoid areas, and explore new areas. There is a little thing that has been in the back of my mind for a long time now...and lately, quite a bit, it's been moving towards the front, which also gives me butterflies and makes me feel really girly, i think i am blushing. Gah.

4:29 am

First off. You said goodbye long before i did. You proved that.

I am letting go.

I'm lucky to have good friends. I have never heard so many nice things than i did tonight. I love them all. A girl told me the absolute truth of what i am feeling right now, and i appreciate that more than anything. There is nothing worse. That is all.

After yelling and crying with my mom today, it's been officially decided. My year before grad school will not be spent in Bellingham. They are helping me fund to get away. Seattle it is. September :) I wish i could leave now. A part of me already has.

I am done fighting. It is useless. And i just feel silly for doing it. How dare those words be said. I saw it all.

/
/
/

I am mainly upset at myself. Upset at recieving that. Upset with what i thought or hoped it maybe meant. Upset that i still believed. Upset that i let myself be vulnerable. Upset that i let my emotions get the best of me. Upset that i try so hard to look brave but am not. Upset that i let myself get here. I feel like i am back at the beginning all over again.
It is clear now what i am to everyone. I am just a one night event. I can't blame anyone but myself for that, and i accept responsibility for it.

It is not my home anymore. It is someone else's. Monkey.

Use me. See if i care. I dare anyone.

End of Friday Thoughts

I am trying to fall asleep, but have too many things running through my head.
I like how on Sunday i decided that this week was going to be a quiet week. That didn't happen and i'm fine with that.
However.
Learned a lot of things this week.
I loved Wednesday and Thursday.
I am not a warm body.
I am not here to boost anyone's worth. Do that on your own time.
Actions scream louder than words, obviously.
No means? No?
I love being around my friends. They don't fuck with me.
Talking is preferred over texting. Like humans.
Sick of bitch ass 3 am texts. No i will not come downtown, no i will not fuck you, no i will not go fucking anywhere.
The Royale makes me sick, i have never felt so dirty in such a small amount of time.
I am beyond in love with Rumors. Everyone is so happy there.
My elbow and leg still hurt.

And most of all. All i want is to go home. Home does not exist any more. The worst part is realizing, i am home, right here. I spend as little amount of time here as possible.
Fuck this.



Single.
No priors.
No engagements.
No promises.

I probably deserve what i get.

The worst part of the day is waking up. This weekend has too many memories. I want to skip over it.

Why did you say that. It isn't fair. I wish it were night.

Friday?

It's 2:22. I am so exhausted. Dancing for hours. Hours. Dancing with a boy, who last time i saw had my ex's dick in his mouth. I love how Rumors brings those people together :) I had so much fun. So much.

I'm so fucking tired.

How long can i go on with this though. I would think at some point my body may shut down. Too tired to think, going to bed. Until tomorrow (today).

P.S. I am an official honors student, got my cords and everything. I should probably get them out of my car. I should probably get the things out of my trunk too :/

Tomorrow. No class. No nothing. Sleeping as LONG as possible. Waking up. Then who knows. I should really slow down. However, slowing down means time for thought. And i'm not really 'into' that right now. How about skipping over that. I approve ;)

Thursday Thoughts

I left home around 7 last night and drove until i didn't recognize anything around me. Apparently this is when i hit Alger and Lake Samish, which i had never been before. Very pretty.

Figured i should drive back in case my car broke down again. Went to hang out with amazing people. I love them all. I had a blast. PLUS, i am going dancing tonight with girls. I cannot wait.

More to come.
P.S. I'm blonde again.

Wednesday Thoughts

I should be working on capstone, seeing as the first draft is due next week and i am about 25 pages short of that. However, my mind is elsewhere. My mind is about 7 hours ahead right now. Which doesn't help when in 40 minutes my law professor is going to be calling me out in class asking me questions about law school. I'll wing it.

2 weeks left here, 2 week break, then 6 weeks. Then, i have a paid trip to Europe. I suppose now i should decide where and who to bring. I want 2 years before law school. I want New York. When i was there it didn't feel like home because i had so much waiting back here for me. Now that i no longer have that here, New York has my whole heart. It has something new each day, it has the subway that i can get lost on for hours, yet never really be lost when i end up on Canal Street buying a coconut from a vender with a straw.

I could sit in any park in the East Village and watch the squirrels for ever. I could shop in Soho for hours, i could sit on the Brooklyn Bridge and watch those corney taxi boats float by. I could sit on the balcony at the Seaport and watch seagulls eat food off of people's plates. I could eat Grimaldi's each and everyday. I could never see a familiar face. I could get lost at the Museum of Natural History again, and visit each art museum in the city. It is a city for a single girl. I wouldn't want or need a soulmate to enjoy it. The city and I would enjoy each other. Seattle seems desperately too close now, what's another 3,000 miles.

I find i spend my time day dreaming of what's to come. Wanting to fast forward to anything. I want out of here. I am tired of driving the same streets. Tired of seeing the same things. Tired of associating these landmarks with the last five years. I hate memories. I hate words. I hate everything in the trunk of my car.

I want it to be 9:00. I want to see the people that love me :) I hope tonight isn't as late as Monday. Tomorrow i am officially inducted into AKD. Show me the handshake, give me the food, and more importantly the cords and i'll be gone. At the same time, it was supposed to be an event with another. In and out instead now.







Single
No priors
Looking for anything and everything

Tuesday Thoughts

...so much for early nights this week. I don't think 5 am counts...

It's odd when the safety net is gone. I never realized how I relied on it so much. It is important to look around and see that everyone else does it. I do things for me now. This is a very new concept.

From the stolen words of a deviant mind, realists fuck. I agree with the words, not the mind.

Induction.

Each morning i wake up not having any idea where the day will take me. Again, a new concept. Each day has been unique. Each day has been filled with countless situations that i would have never suspected. I suppose the only way to handle it is to hold on and just go with it. Wherever i happen to land each night, so be it. It always seems to be somewhere new.

Off to Wednesday. The real world, or until at least 4.

I am glad you found what makes you happy.

I lost my best friend.

I'm ready to wake up.

Thoughts to forget

I got all my questions answered. What was said did not mean anything. A ploy. The hard work, enjoyed by others. Fight like you fought. That no longer means anything. Such is life. Such is never coming back to the apartment. If i could move away now i would in a heartbeat. Sadly, i cannot until Aug. 22. After that, this life is forever gone. The static life of repeating mistakes. At least i am able to leave. Able to pick up and go. Not turn back. Because, i know as of today, nobody is waiting. Those words were just words. Another valuable lesson. Silence and actions are true language.

This week is reserved for catching up on sleep and less late nights. Less being sick, less thinking, more of everything else. How about less mistakes too..More campus, less apartment. Find a new apartment. Get out of this hole of memories that need to vanish.

Love the CD from Eric. Love the new people, they keep me sane, even if it is for brief periods. At least i know, they are there.

I'm going to get lost in the library on Monday. And i am more than okay with that. I am more than okay with losing myself in whatever i can find. Erica was right, i never would have experienced any of these things.

My body hurts. My legs hurt. My heart hurts. At least i can numb one of those. I could have kept walking last night forever.

I really should take up the rock climbing.

Why Not.

I'm almost positive nobody reads this anymore, someone may come across it from another country. Who knows. Plus, i don't have anything to lose anymore, so why not.

I have done more things in the last two weeks than i have in the last four years of college. Maybe i did need to just get it all out of my system, really live 'the college life' whatever the hell that means. I don't regret anything i have done. Right and wrong is relative, it is if you can live with the decisions you have made. I have walked home at 4:30 in the morning twice this week. My body hurts. Everything hurts.

I literally go day by day. Sometimes hour to hour. If i can go an hour without thinking, then it's been a great hour. A day is another story. I no longer think ahead, because i really just can't. Thinking ahead is reserved for school, that is all. Submerge myself into that. Funny though, that doesn't really work. So i continue to find something that does. Desperately.

I had to remove everything, because i cannot think or see any of it. I have too much going on right now to lose it. That is why it was removed. Not for other reasons. I am still fighting, even though i am almost positive i am the only one.

So another Friday. Another day. Another battle. Another mindless/meaningless/interactions to desperately remove myself from everything. GOOD LUCK TO ME. Until i feel like writing.

So much.

My heart hurts.

I thought i was doing what was wanted. I was the only one there though.
If i could fast forward...

190 miles of freedom :)

Done.